I lost yesterday. Thing is, I was so determined to kick-start the new year with both practical and symbolic accomplishments on the day that I freaked out and stayed in bed for most of the day. I did take the dog to the beach for a swim (and what a beautiful day it was!) but my intention/s of completing some study, setting up my diary/ies (I haven't decided on my exact method as yet because I am not sure what my circumstances are going to be) and generally 'getting on with it', was so pressing, that 'it' became too much & after promising myself that taking a quick granny nap first would actually help my productivity (my self-delusion knows no bounds), I retreated and, of course, nothing got done.
I keep telling myself that my stagnation has to do with indecision about my working situation - am I leaving current job or not? Am I going to study FT or not? Where will I be living? etc .. - but I am beginning to wonder if there are deeper issues. I do know that reading/note-making/writing was going great for a short while, I was loving it and I think I was making good progress so - what changed? Maybe admitting that I want to do this 'for real' is putting too much pressure on myself?
Maybe my research on the state of the academic job market has deflated me? Perhaps the stress of the last year - at a job I all but hated - has taken a larger toll than I realised? Thing is, no matter what the reason, I have to somehow find the desire to do this. Because that is what it is all about right? We are propelled to do things due to desire - in the Lacanian sense. If I desire to re-enter academia then I need to finish my doctorate so the question has to be - do I really, truly desire this? I guess another question has to be - do I desire it enough to put myself through the stress, strain and hell that is a PhD?.
If you think about it, every action I take or in this case don't, is a response to my desire, or lack thereof.
So, my new year's resolution is this: Find the desire.
What DO I desire? What am I prepared to do about that? How am I going to make that desire a reality?